Grief That Doesn’t Expire: Why Some Losses Still Hurt Years Later

In therapy, clients often enter the room carrying losses that feel “too old” to name out loud—relationships long gone, people who passed years ago, or chapters that quietly closed without closure. They say things like, “I should be over this by now,” or “It’s been years—I don’t understand why this still hurts.”

What they’re describing is not dysfunction. It’s grief. Real, persistent, and often unacknowledged.And it doesn’t have a deadline.

🧠 What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

Coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that isn’t socially sanctioned, openly acknowledged, or publicly mourned. Unlike conventional grief—which tends to follow culturally accepted rituals and timelines—disenfranchised grief often happens in silence.

Examples include:

• Losing a pet, an estranged parent, or an ex-partner

• Grieving a miscarriage, infertility, or choosing not to have children

• Mourning a non-death loss (e.g., health decline, job loss, identity shift)

• Feeling grief in ambiguous or unresolved relationships

• Long-term grieving that extends beyond societal expectations

Because these experiences don’t always receive external validation, people often internalize the belief that something is “wrong” with them. This can compound the pain with shame, isolation, and emotional suppression—ultimately impeding the integration of the loss.

💬 Persistent Grief Isn’t Pathology

Clinically, grief becomes “complicated” or “prolonged” only when it significantly impairs functioning over time, and even then, the context matters. Many individuals experience non-linear grief, meaning the pain can reemerge during triggers, anniversaries, life transitions, or times of stress—even decades later.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is stuck. In many cases, they’re still metabolizing a loss that their nervous system, attachment system, or family-of-origin story hasn’t fully integrated.

What we see in therapy is this:Grief often lasts much longer than society allows, especially when:

• The relationship was formative to identity or survival

• There was no space to process it safely at the time

• There’s unresolved trauma or attachment wounds

• The loss remains ambiguous or incomplete

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🪞 You're Not "Stuck"—You're Still in Relationship

Grief isn’t just about losing something. It’s about what that loss meant—and who you were in relationship to it.

Modern grief theories (such as Continuing Bonds Theory) emphasize that healing isn’t about detaching from the deceased or severing ties with what was lost. Rather, it’s about learning how to maintain a meaningful, internalized connection to the person or experience, while continuing to live a fulfilling life.

This is why some grief doesn’t “go away.” Because the bond still exists—just in a different form.

🧘🏽‍♀️ Therapeutic Reflection

In session, when clients feel shame for grieving “too long,” I often invite a reframe:Instead of asking, “Why am I still hurting?” consider asking:

• What part of this grief still needs witnessing?

• What role did this person or experience play in my story?

• What would it mean to carry this with dignity instead of shame?

We may explore somatic tools for containment, narrative techniques to re-author the story of the loss, or inner child/parts work to honor the emotional needs that remain unmet.

Grief is not something to “fix.” It’s something to tend to.

🧷 Final Thoughts: It’s Okay If It Still Hurts

There is no expiration date on meaning.No clinical manual, diagnostic code, or timeline can measure your bond with what you’ve lost.If your grief still visits you—months, years, or decades later—it may not mean you’re broken. It may mean you’re still carrying something sacred.

In therapy, we hold space for that.No shame. No clock. Just care.